I thought that having discovered the box and letting it go that that was enough, that God would fill that void and a new level of faith and joy would take over.
It appears “letting go” isn’t enough in order to heal the scars it’s presence has left behind, there must be total surrender.
I thought I had, many times because we often take it back, but that’s the problem, “I thought”, instead of the heart convicted revelation of “I know”.
And now what I have feared has worked its way into reality. The fear of what letting go would mean has left me with no other option than total surrender, as there is nothing left. The tank is beyond empty, it’s in deficit and the bottom is a dark scary place.
As scary as being completely broken was, the uncontrollable tears and physical panic, I now find the wall of strength that shuts it down equally as scary.
I don’t want to journey from letting go to hiding again. I’d prefer the raw emotions than no emotion, the vulnerability over the wall.
I’m numb now, I’m tired and anxious and I can’t get my head around my thoughts yet I keep going.
When will I stop, when will I give myself a break?
I know God has brought me to here, and I know He is here but my prayers seem shallow and my reading vague. My heart is drained and I can’t hear His voice, yet I do have a deep sense of knowing He is in every moment.
So now I have no option but to rest in that truth alone and let Him guide me forward.