Discovering the Power of Awareness and Connection
As I sat listening I could feel the tension spreading through my shoulders. I could feel thebarrier coming up around my heart, creating distance if not physically, internally as I retreated inside. As moisture welled behind my eyes, threatening to expose the internal struggle, I could sense the battle within myself. I’d been here before, all too often.
Sitting there, noticing what was happening within me, created an invitation, an invitation to speak up for what I needed, to respond to what I was experiencing in that moment, or to take the all too familiar path of retreat. Retreating into myself, withdrawing to avoid the answers I didn’t know or saying the wrong thing that would cause others pain or worse conflict.
The barrier around my heart locked firmly in place to guard against hurt or disappointment, to hide the fear of having to voice what I needed or even wanted. And yet in that moment realising that that barrier is also keeping out the things that I long for; open hearted connection, honesty and love.
To be seen and heard is such an internal battle against what we do to protect ourselves versus what we really want or need.
Too many times I’ve switched myself to autopilot. It appears like I’m moving forward; however, nothing really of what’s going on around me is registering or truly touching my heart. We can check out in so many ways yet the sad thing is that we’re missing our life. And we miss sharing the gifts of who we are with those around us.
The realisation of the weight of that has helped me grow a lot these last few months. The deep sadness of lost moments, pushing down emotions for protection, yet hurting myself in the process, and those I care about. Discovering all the ways that I attempt to protect myself as I journey each day and the unique way that I perceive the world and what’s around me has been like coming home.
It hasn’t been an easy journey; some of it has been like a slap in the face, but in a helpful way if that’s even possible. Sometimes you can get so fixed on something that you feel like you need a jolt to get out of it, that kind of slap in the face, to bring you back to reality, to open your eyes to what’s really happening, not just what’s safe and comfortable.
Awareness has been a beautiful gift, it’s created a language to explain things that I have felt for longer than I can remember but haven’t been able to put words to, it also provides a path to move forward, to grow, and to reconnect with who God created me to be.
It is helping me see the ways that I’ve put my own spin on the gifts God has put within me and, as a result, they’ve been stunted as a result. Yet to see His gifts as they truly are and how with courage and compassion they are gifts for others as well as me. It has been liberating, like waking up from a long long sleep and the seasons have changed.
Discovering and learning to understand the Enneagram has been the language that I needed for buried feelings, the slap on the face that I needed to claim the pilot seat, and the path forward that I always knew was there.
I just couldn’t grasp it as it was like a shape with fuzzy borders and now the lens has come on and there’s clarity, and not just for myself, now there’s a greater level of understanding and compassion for others.
The Enneagram has given me greater compassion for myself and others, a deeper understanding that continues to unfold as I’ve learned that the best parts of me are the worst parts of me, and the worst parts of me are actually the best parts of me. I feel like I am gaining confidence in saying “this is me” and actually knowing who that is now, like finally stepping into the room and saying “Here I am!” It has been and will continue to be a journey of befriending all of the many and differing parts of me as I truly Come Home to Wholeness.
Are you ready to discover the why behind what you do and come home to your true self?
Check out my FREE Enneagram Guide Here!
